Small Revelations.




I’m going to be honest, ya’ll. I’ve had a horrible week. I try my hardest not to bitch and moan via social media, but this is my blog and I can cry if I want to. Yeah I just went there.


The stress is at my throat. Me and Ray have been stepping on each others toes all week! It’s like we’re in a dark room, and I just haven’t spotted light at the end of my tunnel. And if you’re anything like me…god. I just am always blaming myself. Wah, wah, wah, what did I do wrong. Wah wah. But really. Why can’t I love myself?! It’s a crazy emotion I can’t hold back, this hatred I have deep inside for myself. One day I will force myself to let it go but that day is not today. But two nights ago, a magical, magical thing happened. My heart has been broken, and I’ve physically been weak in fear things will not let up soon. But as a mother, I carry out my duties as a mother, no matter how I feel. And bathtime, bathtime is one of these duties.

So it’s Thursday night. Ray works until 9:30 PM. It’s nearing 8:30, Marley’s bathtime. She is cranky as hell. Walking around, literally, walking around throwing a temper tantrum. Oh yeah. She does that. Tramping around the house screaming, knocking things off shelves. And no, don’t be scared, my Marley is truly angelic. This is my Marley after no nap and a very long, tiresome day. So I deal, and let her take out that anger on my shelved DVD’s. So anyway. I am in the bathroom, and I just wish you guys could witness this child when she hears the faucet to the bathtub. She, first, comes sprinting into the bathroom. She visually confirms I am getting her bath ready. She then turns around, screams, throws her hands up in the air, and runs up and down the hallway, frequently stopping in to make sure I am still getting her bath ready. Then she tries to hike her leg up over the tub to jump in, fully clothed. Okay so this night was a little different. As the water is still running, and bubbles are filling the tub- I stick her cute little butt in there and she stands up to the faucet and cups her hands under the running water, and looks at me giggling.

Side note: I already absolutely love when she looks at me while she is giggling.

Okay so she is doing that cute, awesome thing. And then she decides to pull up the thing and the shower comes on, full blast. This girl. Oh my God. She laughs, this hearty, pure laugh that comes straight from her big baby belly. She is rolling, tears are falling down her face. She is happy, and nothing could ever take that moment away from me. My heart shattered into a million pieces ever imagining that smile being taken away from her. She is beautiful, and perfect, and I am so scared of this world for her.


But that moment made me realize one major thing. Who the hell cares about these stupid…things I care about. Even if nothing else in my entire life worked out the way I planned it, I would have this GORGEOUS, WEIRD, FUNNY human being who just absolutely adores me. She absolutely freaking loves and adores me. And she needs me. And she likes me. And no matter how much she may hate me one day, she will never tire of me. How amazing does that feel. Christ, I just love you Marley Jones.


A Little Heartbroken.

So this week, I made the conscious decision to reach out and search for a “babysitter” for Marley. Literally I can barely get the words through my thought process without choking. I hate it. I hate it so much. And it’s not even really that bad. I will be just in the other room, sleeping (preparing for my night shifts), but I still can’t breathe at the thought of allowing someone I don’t know every single thing about watch my child. I see horror stories everywhere about these kinds of things.


But I have sat with God and talked to Him about this, I have sat with Ray and talked to him about this, and I think I am gonna be okay. I will thoroughly interview everyone I consider and I will make a good decision because I have a pretty good gut. *exhales*


Is it this hard for everybody or is it just me. Sigh.

Long, Happy, Sad, Stressful, Great Week.

So it has been quite a long week. Marley has began doing this really great thing where she hits you if she is angry. I’m not happy about this. Before I had Marley I kind of figured Ray would do all the disciplining and I would sit back and giggle at her antics and be there to run to when she was upset. It turns out, it’s quite the contrary. I, as a first time mother, usually google things to see if they’re okay. This kind of came about suddenly though, so I just went with my gut.


This sequence of events is pretty much how it goes:

  1. Marley has something she is not supposed to have, I tell her to give it to me.
  2. She hands it over, but when I won’t give it back, she is angered and hits me. Angrily.
  3. I say sternly: “Marley, no hitting. No.” She gets angrier, hits me again, multiple times.
  4. I yell “Marley, stop! No hitting Mommy.” She continues on.
  5. Sometimes, it stops there, and she becomes my gentle angel and touches my hand instead. Today, it continued, and it escalated to even more anger! So step 5, I hit her back. Right there on the wrist. She sat down, and cried, for about five minutes.

But here’s the problem…this worked. For about twenty minutes! Then I had to keep yelling at her not to hit me. Moms, what do I do about this?! How do I stop it? I asked my mother about what she did when I went through this and she laughed because I was the sweetest little baby in the world. Sigh.


Anyways, in other news. Ray got a second job at Hibbett and is a possibility for another spot at Lowe’s. Jesus, he moves to Decatur and it’s like they’re linin’ up to hire him. But that’s okay it’s all a blessing. Bills are coming though, and my stress level will not be reduced until after they are all paid and asleep for another month. Ray and I have been stepping on each other’s toes this week and I think it’s the money. Can’t wait till this week is over.




My sweetheart has unofficially learned how to give kisses. She totally understands the concept. Not too hard, right? I say “Give me a kiss,” and she leans in, and our mouths meet. But Marley…she loves me. She loves me so much that regular people kisses aren’t enough. She enjoys putting ravioli in her mouth, or maybe some chewed up graham cracker, and then kissing me mouth wide open. And hey that might sound gross, but she even goes “muah!” when she does it, and that just kind of makes it not gross at all.

Young At Heart

What are your thoughts on aging? How will you stay young at heart as you get older?

I thought I would start off with this, not because it is a lame “Daily Prompt” but because it caught my eye, and it has so much relevance to being a mother. Because becoming a young mother was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and though I did not choose it, it chose me.

Instagram & Facebook, I have noticed, make it fairly easy for all of your acquaintances to misinterpret your life. If you never thought twice about me, which 95% of you don’t, you might assume

  1.  Ray and I never, ever fight.
  2.  I get zero sleep because I have a baby, and yet I have no bags underneath my eyes and my makeup is always absolutely perfect.
  3.  We don’t struggle financially.
  4.  Everything is handed to me, my new little Volkswagen, my new cozy apartment, and my perfect little family.

And seriously. Why would it not appear that way? My relentless beautified selfies, videos of Marley and I laughing it up, overly gushy statuses about how I want to spend the rest of my life with Ray. You have no choice but to assume that my life is perfect, and that’s basically what social media is for. Right?


But none of it is true. Yeah yeah, post is supposed to be about staying forever young, but I’m getting there.


Ray and I- we fight about terrible things. We fight because I don’t talk loud enough. We fight because I’m a living wreck and can’t keep my clothes off the bathroom floor and my shed hair out of the sink. But I fucking love him. To pieces. And every single thing I’ve ever said about him via social media, is totally and 100% true. I get sleep because I would bitch constantly if I didn’t. Marley sleeps through the night, so come on my life can’t be that rough all of the time. Struggling financially? That’s an understatement. And I don’t say this to make someone feel better, because that’s pointless. We’re freakin’ broke. I am constantly on my calculator- “I get paid this day and Ray gets paid this day, we have our bills this day this day and this day so we’ll have how much left…” and it’s never impressive. But we’re making it. I work for everything I have, and I was raised a spoiled rotten girl, so I have more to say for myself than some.


But how the hell am I supposed to stay young when I spend all of my time doing adult things like paying bills and putting Marley to sleep? And I had to really think about this one.

I remember years ago, back in the magical days of MySpace. I would wait for days. Maybe for weeks. For a song to release on some small band’s profile. They might go in at midnight and upload their new tune, and I would cry upon hearing it, because it was just so god damn good and how could something be so great? And I’ll never forget the hurt, and the happiness a single song could make me feel. It’s like everything that song was made for, I felt. Every word that was placed so metaphorically and perfectly into that song dropped into my mind like stones in a pond and goosebumps appeared on my arms and nothing mattered in those three and a half minutes. Nothing but the beat and the lyrics of that song.


Now, now that life sits on my shoulders and my stresses are tied to my feet, now I need youth more than ever. I need some underground MySpace song to bring back the life inside of me that used to be there. I need my fire to be ignited because after a while I think everybody’s fire just dwindles into nothing and then where does that leave us?

The Queen


Yay for more introductory blogging. This is my daughter and the queen of my heart, Marley Ray Madison Jones. She is a little over a year old, and she is a firecracker. I had her when I was nineteen. She was a whopping 7 lbs 10 oz, and is half my height already. Now, she walks, she talks, and hides things in our shoes, and she’s fantastic, and I can’t wait to tell you all about her.

Hi, I’m Shae.



For those of you who are legitimately interested in this, I want to thank you because I enjoy putting my time and effort into things that people actually appreciate. This blog may be totally and completely inconsistent, and one day may jump from June to December, but I am going to do my best to keep up with it. Working nights at the PD, it is easy to find the time for upkeep, so even if only four days a week, I will chime in with my two cents.

For the few of you who don’t know me, my name is Shae. I am twenty years old, I am the mother of a bright diamond named Marley, she is a year old, and seriously, she is the most beautiful child on the face of the planet. I’m only a tad bit biased. You will be seeing a lot of her here, so if you’re one of those people who gets annoyed by baby pictures and accounts of baby experiences, you’re in the wrong place.


Anyways, you will probably learn a lot about me here. I don’t mind the open book-ness, I could probably use a little of that in my life.

Always feel free to comment or message me personally.


Nice to meet you.