Small Revelations.

Image

 

 

I’m going to be honest, ya’ll. I’ve had a horrible week. I try my hardest not to bitch and moan via social media, but this is my blog and I can cry if I want to. Yeah I just went there.

 

The stress is at my throat. Me and Ray have been stepping on each others toes all week! It’s like we’re in a dark room, and I just haven’t spotted light at the end of my tunnel. And if you’re anything like me…god. I just am always blaming myself. Wah, wah, wah, what did I do wrong. Wah wah. But really. Why can’t I love myself?! It’s a crazy emotion I can’t hold back, this hatred I have deep inside for myself. One day I will force myself to let it go but that day is not today. But two nights ago, a magical, magical thing happened. My heart has been broken, and I’ve physically been weak in fear things will not let up soon. But as a mother, I carry out my duties as a mother, no matter how I feel. And bathtime, bathtime is one of these duties.

So it’s Thursday night. Ray works until 9:30 PM. It’s nearing 8:30, Marley’s bathtime. She is cranky as hell. Walking around, literally, walking around throwing a temper tantrum. Oh yeah. She does that. Tramping around the house screaming, knocking things off shelves. And no, don’t be scared, my Marley is truly angelic. This is my Marley after no nap and a very long, tiresome day. So I deal, and let her take out that anger on my shelved DVD’s. So anyway. I am in the bathroom, and I just wish you guys could witness this child when she hears the faucet to the bathtub. She, first, comes sprinting into the bathroom. She visually confirms I am getting her bath ready. She then turns around, screams, throws her hands up in the air, and runs up and down the hallway, frequently stopping in to make sure I am still getting her bath ready. Then she tries to hike her leg up over the tub to jump in, fully clothed. Okay so this night was a little different. As the water is still running, and bubbles are filling the tub- I stick her cute little butt in there and she stands up to the faucet and cups her hands under the running water, and looks at me giggling.

Side note: I already absolutely love when she looks at me while she is giggling.

Okay so she is doing that cute, awesome thing. And then she decides to pull up the thing and the shower comes on, full blast. This girl. Oh my God. She laughs, this hearty, pure laugh that comes straight from her big baby belly. She is rolling, tears are falling down her face. She is happy, and nothing could ever take that moment away from me. My heart shattered into a million pieces ever imagining that smile being taken away from her. She is beautiful, and perfect, and I am so scared of this world for her.

 

But that moment made me realize one major thing. Who the hell cares about these stupid…things I care about. Even if nothing else in my entire life worked out the way I planned it, I would have this GORGEOUS, WEIRD, FUNNY human being who just absolutely adores me. She absolutely freaking loves and adores me. And she needs me. And she likes me. And no matter how much she may hate me one day, she will never tire of me. How amazing does that feel. Christ, I just love you Marley Jones.

Advertisements

A Little Heartbroken.

So this week, I made the conscious decision to reach out and search for a “babysitter” for Marley. Literally I can barely get the words through my thought process without choking. I hate it. I hate it so much. And it’s not even really that bad. I will be just in the other room, sleeping (preparing for my night shifts), but I still can’t breathe at the thought of allowing someone I don’t know every single thing about watch my child. I see horror stories everywhere about these kinds of things.

 

But I have sat with God and talked to Him about this, I have sat with Ray and talked to him about this, and I think I am gonna be okay. I will thoroughly interview everyone I consider and I will make a good decision because I have a pretty good gut. *exhales*

 

Is it this hard for everybody or is it just me. Sigh.